Unexpected Loss
Memorial Day weekend I unexpectedly flew east for my godfather’s funeral. At the wake, as relatives hugged me many said, “It’s great to see you, but sad under these horrible circumstances.” I understood what they meant. I also felt sad that I wouldn’t see my uncle again. My heart broke for my aunt who had to say goodbye to her high school sweetheart. For my cousins who wouldn’t hug their dad again. For his grandchildren who wouldn’t get years of his big love, especially the baby, who would only know him through pictures and stories.
Joy Amidst Pain
I also felt joy amidst these other emotions. Huge joy at my niece’s nearly knock-me-over, run & jump-into-my-arms hug the day before. More joy at catching up with cousins and their kids, some off to college soon. Time with aunts, uncles, parents, siblings. No buts about this part.
I watched a few relatives who appeared stuck in deep, dark grief, unable or unwilling to appreciate any of the simple joys of being alive. At the outpouring of love for my uncle. I found joy in being with family and celebrating his life. I felt incredibly grateful that I could feel the swirl of emotions. All of them. Surf them. Be present with them as they ebbed and flowed in me.
The day before I flew back to California from JFK, I spent my last day in Manhattan. I dropped into an S Factor class to catch up with friends and dance the intense emotions of my week. This has become as necessary to me as breathing, eating and sleeping.
Farewell Ride
During the warm-up, I discovered my body was more tight and tired than I’d realized from the jet lag, foreign bed and week of visiting. As Farewell Ride by Beck filled the dark room, the sadness that bubbled below the surface filled my body like brook breaking through an old beaver dam. I cried. And said another good-bye to my uncle and my family, who I wouldn’t get to hug again for months or maybe another year.
I had no idea what song to choose for free-dance. I’d been so happy at the beginning of class. At being in New York. At hugging friends from retreats. The melancholy of having to leave a piece of my heart in Connecticut filled me, still burning behind my eyes as liquid diamonds.
Heavenly Day
Then I remembered the song I’d recently called my “tears of joy song.” Heavenly Day by Patty Griffin.
I began with grief and tear-filled eyes. As I danced, I felt my heavy heart begin to lighten. I shared my ache with my friend, Bernadette, in the chair. I felt her support and love as she witnessed and understood me. By the end, I flew around the pole in a light-hearted joyous spin. It truly was a heavenly day.
As the music faded, Mai, my teacher and friend, thanked me for sharing my story.“I felt every emotion of your week in that dance. Did you all see it? Feel it? Can I share why you’re here?”
Sure. And she did.
Ten “Go-To” Songs
When I reflected on this moment and scanned the list of songs I’ve danced to six months into 2012, I noticed I’ve already danced to five songs from my top fifteen of 2011.
Those of you that have worked and played with Sheila Kelley may know that she encourages finding your “husband” song. The one you would marry. Or take to a dessert island. One of my classmates thinks of it as, “the song that makes you feel most at home in your body.”
Despite being happily married to one man for twenty-three years I still can’t imagine choosing one song.
However, I realized I have a growing list of “go-to” songs that combine some of my core erotic creature emotions, moods and characteristics. I rely on them often. Some have been with me for years. The more I dance to them the richer and deeper our relationship becomes.
Here’s ten of my current ‘go-to’ pole dance songs with short descriptions of what they mean to me. I hope you enjoy and they inspire you to find yours.
1. Farewell Ride by Beck: Say goodbye song
2. Heavenly Day by Patty Griffin: Tears of joy song
3. Torch by Alanis Morissette: I need to cry song. To melt.
4. Jericho by Weekend Players: Vulnerable sensual seduction song. From sadness to sensuality. Feel the magnetic power of vulnerability and receptivity.
5. Drive by Melissa Ferrick: Love ’n’ Lust song. Awaken my tiger. Feel her hunger.
6. E.T. (feat. Kanye West) by Katy Perry: PINK song. Playful joy & desire.
7. I Want It All / We Will Rock You Mash-Up (feat. Armageddon Aka Geddy) by Queen: One fire song. Channel Pele. Divine passion. Feel her lava coursing though my veins. Dream big. WishDO!!
8. Feeling Good by Michael Bublé: Sunny joy song. Smile. Fuel my fire. Fill me with vibrancy. My classmates chose it as my ‘home’ song.
9. Pony by Far: Playful & lusty. Body is wise.
10. By Your Side by Sade: Warm hug song. My nurturing inner voice. My intuition. She is with me always and growing stronger.
